Hypnagogic Hallucinations

Recently, I've been experiencing sleep paralysis.

I didn't know that's what it was called until today, because last night I experienced hypnagogic hallucinations. Yeah, it was as terrifying as it sounds.

The sleep paralysis first, though. So, when you fall asleep and dream, your body is paralyzed. I don't know the specifics, but when you get into REM sleep (the stage of sleep when you dream)some chemical kicks in in your brain to paralyze your body so your body doesn't do the things you may be doing in your dream. So, for example, if you jump out of a window in your dream, you won't actually jump out your bedroom window.

I already knew about this because I'd listened to an episode of This American Life in which the comedian Mike Birbiglia talks about his sleep disorder, in which he does not become paralyzed during sleep, and did in fact, jump out a hotel window while sleeping.



Anyhow, while trying to go to sleep, the sleep paralyis kicked in before i actually fell asleep. As terrifying as that was in itself, I then started to hallucinate; mostly sounds, voices, buzzing. I knew they weren't real sounds-- there was no one awake in the house, and it was late-- but they sounded real. I would struggle to move, and when I would finally be able to get up, it would be silent. Then I would try to go back to sleep...and once the paralysis would kick in again, so would the hallucinations. This cycle repeated itself too many times-- I got a couple of hours of sleep, at the most.

When I was young I used to be terrified of sleeping; I was afraid if I closed my eyes, I would never wake up. Or rather, I was afraid of the fact that asleep, I would have no way of knowing if I ever woke up. I did not believe I would actually die in my sleep; I was afraid because I knew that I could die in my sleep and never know about it. The idea of so much vulnerability and loss of control frightened me, as it does today still. There's something about sleep-related terrors however, that put them on a plane beyond regular everyday terrors. If there's one thing I need to control, it's my mind.

Stress is a major factor in inducing hypnagogic hallucinations. And right now, I still haven't found a job (an inexperienced klutzy girl with a class schedule to work around can't under-the-table work in THIS economy? Alert the media!), my dad has temporarily (let's hope) lost his, and all my friends are moving out, headed where I should be. That adds up, and apparently manifests itself in hallucinations.

I have moments where everything seems overwhelming, and I am convinced that I am not strong enough. And, trying to look at my situation rationally, I don't think I am strong enough. I'm not very practically-minded; I lack common sense; I get lost and lose things constantly. I am infinitely indebted to those people who help me along day-t-day. I know my strengths, and they consist mostly of ideas and the cerebral. My mind is not of the practical world. And when I think about that, I realize that my situation may be-- pardon the cliche-- blessing in disguise. At the very least, it is not without its benefits. Because I do need to learn how to deal with the real world. Fortunately, instead of throwing me into the deep end of the pool, the world has provided me with some damn good swimming instructors.

And while I learn to deal with the world, I'm trying to be consistent with my daily meditation, to de-stress. I used to pray, which is a form of meditation, and while I am in love-- aesthetically speaking-- with the Mexican Catholic tradition, I prefer simpler mantras than prayers provide.

Finally, being able to sit and write is how my brain makes sense of things. So I'll keep doing that (and hopefully, people will keep reading).